Susie and her four-year old daughter, Judy, are in the check-out line in the grocery story. The racks near the counter are laden with all sorts of tempting sweets. Judy notices one particularly mouth-watering chocolate bar and begs for it.
Susie firmly refuses, citing the many treats her daughter has already consumed that day and how it will spoil her appetite for dinner. Judy's wails begin to grow louder. From past experience, young Judy has already determined that the louder and longer she cries, the greater the chance of her mother giving in to her demands.
Soon Susie capitulates and Judy is contently sucking her treat.
One row over, Susie notices, the same scene is being played out with another mother and child. Yet, as that child's wails begin to grow louder the mother simply says, "I'm sorry, honey, but that candy bar is not kosher and we may not eat it."
To Susie's amazement, the child's whimpering halts. It is as though the child is intuitively aware that his tantrum will be futile. From past experience, he understands that this is an unyielding rule which neither tears nor screams will succeed in breaking.
Are there "red" lines in parenting--certain rules and standards that our children should realize cannot be broken? How do we establish these principles? And when we do, does this leave any room for spontaneity and flexibility in our guidance of our children?
The names of this week's double Torah reading teach a fundamental principle of successful parenting.
The reading consists of two Torah sections: Matot, meaning "tribes" or "rods", and Massei, meaning "journeys."
The Torah refers to Israel's tribes either as shevatim, "branches" or matot, "rods." Both terms express the concept that the twelve tribes of Israel are all branches or offshoots of the same root. But there is a not-so-subtle distinction between the two terms. A shevet is supple, pliant branch. In our case, the Torah chooses the term mateh, which connotes a firm, inflexible stick.
The basis of successful parenting is establishing matot--firm, unbending principles through which to guide our children. Children thrive on consistency, and appreciate uniformity and stability in their lives. They will intuitively discern which standards and values we regard as essential and immutable, and which can be challenged and negated.
Especially in today's precarious world, our children look to us for a set of morals and standards that don't yield to outside pressure or public opinion. If these are instilled in our children in the earliest stages of their development, then, when unsuitable choices tempt them, or when others taunt them for who they are and when they believe to be right, they will be able to draw strength from the fixed values of their upbringing. They will have the fortitude and firm determination of matot, unyielding rods.
King Solomon teaches in Proverbs, "chosech shivto, soneh benoh" which literally means, "he who withholds his rod, hates his child" (hence the popular adage, "spare the rod and spoil the child"). The message of this wisdom for our times is that a loving, caring parent must imbue his child with conceptual rods--firm and unyielding principles to guide him through the bewildering paths of life.
At the same time, however, there are moments in parenting when it is necessary, for the sake of your child's growth and progress, to stretch boundaries and overlook nuances or details.
Children are not stagnant beings; they are vibrant, emotional individuals with their own rich perspectives, developing intelligences and inborn needs and wants. Rules are meant to be constructive, creating positive results while providing guidance to advance our children through life's journeys. If they are stifling and destructive, that alone should indicate that there is something amiss in how they are being taught and applied.
The second portion of this week's Torah reading is Massei, "journeys," which chronicles the travels of the Jewish people in the Sinai dessert to their destination in the Hoy Land. Unlike the rod, a journey is, by definition, not fixed and unyielding, but represents fluid movement, a passage forward towards a goal.
On the face of it, these two principles of Matot and Massei seem contradictory. Matot instructs us to establish a steadfastness and immobility, like the strong non-pliant rod, while Massei encourages us to move forward, change and transform. But in combining these two sections in a single reading, the Torah is telling us that that both can, and should, be incorporated in our own approach to life, and in how we guide our children.
In your role as parents, first establish Matot, strong, uncompromising values as a basis. The Torah guides us with definite rules of right and wrong, the permitted and the forbidden.
But at the same time, the Torah provides a space and flexibility to accommodate the unique needs of your child. Your child is not a static being, but rife with emotion and flooded with challenge. At times, small exceptions, detours or a different approach must be explored for his optimal growth, while still remaining true to your essential principles.
Parenting is the skill to navigate these two modes. To balance strength and compromise, immobility and flexibility.
Exercise prudent judgment and sensitivity on which mode to pursue in which area of your child's life. Moreover, integrate both modes into your daily life-experience with your child, so that you remain steadfast in crucial areas while exercising conciliation in peripheral ones.
Because at all times we must remember that the goal is to keep our child journeying forward.
